Up in the air

My thoughts are so all over the place right now...I don't even really know where to begin.
For the last three years, I have been fighting to get a permanent contract in my school division. Every year, around this time the anxiety would set in. Will I have a job next year? Will this school have a position for me? If this school doesn't have a position, where will I go? What will I do? Finally, last year, I got my permanent contract. It was like a giant weight was lifted off of my shoulders! No more worrying every single year where I would be, or what grade I would be teaching. I was at a school permanently!

Or...so I thought.

This year has been challenging. And that is putting it lightly. Between having a HUGE class (28 grade 3's), a HUGE number of ELL students (between 1/3 and 1/2 of my class), and implementing a new program in our school (International Baccalaureate Primary Years Programme). I've barely had time to breathe. One of the biggest struggles has been the staff that I work with. I am completely, 100% on board, and believe to my core that this program is how we should be teaching. However, not everyone is on board, and they are creating HUGE rifts in the relationships on staff. They are doing everything in their power to make life difficult for everyone who is trying to get this program off the ground. Their passive-aggressive behaviour, snide comments, and backstabbing has gotten to the point that I really do not enjoy working with a lot of them. They are not in this job for the right reasons. They are in it because they want to keep doing what they've done for the past 15-20 years. Because it's easy, and it's what they know. They want to do worksheets, they want to stand and deliver their 'knowledge' and just pump it into the kids and expect them to just regurgitate everything that they can remember onto a piece of paper. Research shows that this is NOT how kids learn best. This will NOT prepare them for the types of jobs or lives that they will be entering into when they get out of school. Times have changed - so too, does our teaching style need to change and adapt to what our kids will need in order to be successful in life. So those of us who DO want to do what is best for our kids, have taken the initiative to implement this program. But it has been an uphill battle the entire way.

Here's the thing. The program requires that the school have a 'coordinator' on staff who is like the go-to person to help mentor teams during their planning, and to be an outside source to call on when they need an extra set of eyes, or pair of hands during their planning of their units. Our current coordinator will likely not be at our school next year. She has been accepted into the administrative pool and could potentially have a job as an administrator next year at a different school. My current admin team has approached me, and want me to take over the role of the coordinator. They believe (as well as I do) that I am perfect for the job. I believe in the program, I understand the program, and I have very strong interpersonal skills. However, I know how our current coordinator is treated by some of the staff (and their negative attitudes toward the program) and I'm not sure if that is what I want to deal with on a daily basis. I know I'd do well in the position, because as I've said, I believe to the core that this is the way that we should be teaching our kids, and if I can help other teachers get to that spot where they see it too, what a huge accomplishment that would be. I just don't know if it'll ever happen for some of the staff. And until they decide to transfer to another school, where they won't be miserable every single day that they come to work...I'd be the one that would have to deal with them and their negative attitudes.

Today, a position was posted on our hiring board for a learning specialist in the technology department based out of our Education Centre (head office). This is, ultimately, my dream position. I would love to be able to work with different teachers, from different schools (who WANT to work with these learning specialists - they (the teachers) reach out to these learning specialists and ask them to come out to their schools to help them) to guide, develop, and implement inquiry projects that have different types of technology integrated into them. Again, this is a job that I know I would be good at. But, it would mean leaving the school that I'm at, leaving the program that I so deeply believe in, and have invested a lot of time and effort into getting going, and leaving (some of) the staff that I have developed a very strong bond with as we started this program. The other thing that makes me nervous about applying for this position, is I know that education budgets are like a roller coaster. Some years are good, others...well...not so good. I worry that if I were to get into this position, and 2 years down the road, the money is no longer there to continue the position, that I'd be surplussed back into a school, and it would likely not be the school that I'm at right now. Which means, I wouldn't be able to get back into teaching in a PYP classroom.

I'm so up in the air! The coordinator position isn't a guarantee (if the current coordinator ends up staying). I'm not sure if I should apply for the learning specialist position, because if I get it, and the coordinator does end up leaving, I don't know who they would ask to be the coordinator, and I don't want my colleagues, or my admin to feel like I'm abandoning them (especially after they asked me if I would be interested in the position and I said yes). But if I don't apply, and our coordinator ends up staying, I think I would be happier to leave the classroom and go work at the board office as a learning specialist. But then again, I could apply for the position, and not be selected for an interview, and then all of this is for naught.

I can't talk to anybody at work about this, because I've been asked to keep tight-lipped about it, until some firm decisions have been made and it's killing me to not have anyone (other than my husband - who I feel like hears enough of my 'work stuff' all the time) to vent to and share my thoughts. My husband wants me to apply for the job, he tells me that there is no harm in applying and seeing what happens. I know he's right. I just feel so torn about everything. The deadline for applications for the learning specialist position is May 13, so I would hear probably next week or the week after if I get an interview. For once, I'd just like to finish one school-year, and not have to worry, over-analyze, and over-think where I will be or what I will be doing next school year.

Maybe next year...